Friend: My husband suffered from MILD abuse as a child, and now, as his wife, I see and live with the consequences. This problem is infinitely more wide-spread than anyone is willing to admit. I think what you are doing, even if only 50% “exposed” in terms of your identity, is admirable and necessary. I applaud your cause. And, I know for a fact that the world needs your book. Perhaps you could write it anonymously? Under another name? There is always a way. Do it for those of us who need the exposure. Isolation is an evil trap. Bring it to light, for all of us. Write a query letter, & a proposal with sample chapters, send it out, and while you’re waiting to hear, work on the rest of the book.

I was actually thinking about something along these lines very recently. I was noticing that so many survivors don’t use their names or pictures. I do, but realized that even though I do, I keep so much hidden from others. I had tightened down my Facebook account, I never would friend people from my childhood because I was afraid of their judgement, I’d blocked family members, etc. I am writing a book but I’m not using names; the point of the book isn’t to bash but to share insights I’ve gained from my experiences. Yet, I was still hiding in many ways.

I decided to be open and honest. I opened up my Facebook account and unblocked everyone. Anyone can see what I post now. I always share links to what I’m writing about. I refuse to friend family members, but I’ve made a concentrated effort to open myself up. I have been friending acquaintances and have even started searching out people from high school. I’ve decided to hold nothing back.

I was blamed when I confronted my mother. She even went so far as to say I always made stuff up and then would cry to everyone what a horribly unloving and sick daughter she had. I’ve lost my entire family because of my speaking out. It used to bother me. It was as if the abuse couldn’t have been real unless they admitted to it. But now I know that it was and is abuse even though the family turns a blind eye and pretends to be this loving unit, all the while working out their issues and dysfunctions on each other.

I know that my abuser spies on me. At least she did on my last blog where I blogged the process of overcoming the abuse. Google Analytics is a wonderful thing! I even confronted her. She was just checking to see if I had worked out my issues and was ready to come back to the family! I used to get so mad at her for the continued denials and invalidation.

Now, I just feel sorry for her and all of them. I’m grateful to be free! I figure as long as I’m not being vindictive, as long as my talking is about education and advocating for abused children….then I’m going to talk and talk and talk and talk and talk!

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Oh….I also believe that those that become the most defensive when you talk are ones that have abuse in their past. or they are abusing their own children. I make a lot of people angry. Those that are ‘googly’ eyed….I don’t worry about. My husband was completely naive about the issues of abuse. As I’ve talked his perspective and perceptions have been altered and he is now much more empathetic and understanding of others in general. Those googly eyed people need a wake up call…if only to become aware of how the ‘other half’ lives. I know a lot of people must think I’m crazy, but I don’t care anymore.

I’m generally very open about having mental health problems. Partlythat’s pragmatism – I can’t really hide it, even if I wanted to. But generally, I don’t want to; I believe that being open and honest about mental illness is the only way to destigmatise it. Some people are surprised that someone so outwardly ‘ordinary’ can be thus afflicted.

This doesn’t apply at all vis a vis my abusive history. A few real life people know now, because I gave them access to my blog, but I’ve only ever spoken aloud about itto therapists and my partner. Partly, it’s because I’m terrified people won’t believe me – I once tried to tell my mother about some of it, but she couldn’t accept it – but mainly, I think, it’s to do with shame. There’s no rational reason to be shamed of course, but that doesn’t make it any less real.

Society really isn’t ready for this kind of information, I fear. I find that very sad; it can only result in more ‘closet’ abuse

I openly use my name on my blog and on my Facebook and Twitter account. On Twitter I use the shortened version of my name patriciasinglet only because there is already a Patricia Singleton with an account on Twitter. I confronted my dad with the incest and didn’t talk to him again for about 15 years. When he was in the hospital and the doctors gave him the diagnosis of a terminal brain tumor and gave him 6 months to live, I went to see him to forgive him. The forgiveness did not come until I had let go of my anger and hurt and given the shame back to him over that 15 year period of working on me and my issues. I didn’t say the words of forgiveness aloud to him. He wouldn’t have accepted them or would have gotten angry and abusive. I said them in my mind for me, not for him. He was still a very sick alcoholic and child molester that I did not let back into my life or the lives of my children just because I forgave him.

I told my mom about the incest about 3 or 4 years after I had been doing 12-Step meetings and growing healthier. I asked her if she knew about the incest. She said no she did not. I let it go and didn’t tell her that I believed at some level of consciousness she had to know what was going on. She never asked me about it again. We never discussed it. She did one time ask me why I went to so many meetings a week. I had the book Adult Children of Alcoholics by Janet Woititz (last name may not be spelled right) on my desk in plain site. I told my mom if she really wanted to know that she could read that book. I left that book sitting on my desk for over 2 weeks. She never even picked it up. She didn’t really want to know.

I have family members who are Facebook friends that have never mentioned that I post my blog articles about incest on my FB page. I post those articles hoping that one day, one of them may question me about it. I have several family members that occasionally read my blog posts. I leave it open to anyone that may be interested.

I was silent and frightened for too many years to be silent any longer. I don’t friend everyone that asks me to be a friend on Facebook. I usually look at the list of FB friends that we have in common before I friend or ignore the person. I have quite a few friends that I only know on FB who are also incest survivors. Helping others is why I am so open. I don’t have anyone that I need to protect myself from in my family. Both my parents died a few years ago. My dad lived a year and a half after the surgery that couldn’t remove all of the brain tumor instead of the 6 months that the doctors gave him. He probably lived on pure meanness for that extra year. His death certificate uses scientific words to say that smoking and drinking killed him.

I am working on a memoir but it is only in my head and in the pages of my blog right now. It will happen when it is supposed to.

In my family, I was abused along with one sister, while another sister five years older than me escaped it all. Both my abused sister and I had mental problems from childhood that were ignored by everyone. In our 30s, she began putting pieces together a couple of years before I did. She withheld her knowledge only from me — she told others, including my older sister, and swore her to silence — and only confirmed it when I confronted her.

I was enraged by her silence, and by my older sister’s complicity going back 18 months before I figured it out. Ostensibly, they kept this secret so my abused sister “could work on her issues”. (They both knew I had “issues”, too, but that was the family dynamic.) But I went completely ballistic when she told me not to tell anyone. I said, “I have done nothing wrong here. I will tell whoever I feel like telling. I will drop leaflets over Orange County if I feel like it!”

I’ve been as open as I can be publicly ever since, almost 20 years now, because the secrets are killing people, literally. The secrets keep us trapped. And yes, when you go public you lose people from your “before” life. Relatives who only knew a good side of your perp, and will never believe you. Friends who think you really should get over it. (Like, instantly.) People who don’t understand that 35 years of silence doesn’t flow out of you with a single revelation. People who believe *you* are the one bringing shame on your family by speaking freely now.

Life is short, and I was robbed of so much of it already. The people I “lost” by telling my story, were never really mine, anyway. I refuse to be silent.

Thank you for sharing this topic.

Sarah

Hi, well I have the same thoughts so often:” why is it us who have to hide – it only saves the abuser!” My father is not a powerful man but he has ways of turning the truth around and making me look as a liar and at one point I decided that I do not want to give him that power any more. I have no contact to him at all because he is so concious of how his family looks like. He creates an image of a great family and me being not in it makes people ask. So it is as uncomfortable for him as it is for me.
There are friends and family who know. My employer knows about it too plus my mental health problems because I had some time where I was troubled by flashbacks and I needed time off while working to get myself together. They gave me the chance to do so but I also realised that I lost their confidence in me doing a good job.
I blog anonymously as I could be sued for telling lies about my father and I do not need that I have enough to deal with. I decide in individual cases different but always on behalf on myself. What feels the best for myself is what counts. First of all I have a responsibility to feel save and happy and it does not matter what goes on with the abuser or other people. But I agree we have to find a way of disclosing things to tell our truths and to prevent all the prejudices that are out there about abuse and who does it.

I guess it’s easier to hide it. It is easier to be normal, to pretend that I am OK. It is easier to call my parents and have a civilised conversation with them about the weather. But then it shouldn’t be. I should feel able to be open and honest with everyone. I have only recently told my housemates about everything but only because I went into hospital for my “issues”. I guess I do it because it’s easier to pretend to be like everyone else.

I am very open about being raised by a bipolar mother who would slice and dice me verbally when she was manic. But, I am very private about the fact that my brother molested me repeatedly until I became pregnant when I was 14- and that I gave up my daughter for adoption. At the time I got pregnant, my father was scared to death that if word got out that his son was a molester and that his daughter was pregnant at 14, his business and ability to support our family would be jeopardized. And now that my brother has a wife and 2 teenagers, bringing it out that he was so screwed up as a kid that he thought it was ok to abuse his sister, would only hurt my sister-in-law and my niece and nephew. (There has never been any issue with him and the potential to abuse his children- it was only something directed toward me). I have done a lot of work on healing myself of my brother’s abuse- and I am in a pretty good place right now with that. Still working on the mom thing, however.

I don’t know if you have ever worked with people who are intuitive and who do “energy work”, but going down that road has been more helpful and healing than any therapist, shrink, or counselor I ever talked with. I write about my journey and that includes my journey of healing on my blog.